There are days when I wonder who I am.
I know the answer always comes back to, "I am a child of Heavenly Father who loves me". I know this is the answer.
I also know that the answer is that I AM a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a sister in law, a daughter in law and a friend.
But who am I? I struggle with this answer...
Who I want to be is a writer, a dancer, a seamstress, a floral arranger, a crafter, an organized housewife (ha ha), a runner, not the fat friend...a doer.
Who I want to be is the person who, at 12:56 a.m. is in bed, fast asleep not tossing and turning about all the things she did wrong during the day. Not thinking about all the things she should be doing everyday...journal writing, scripture reading, figuring out recipes, writing letters to family and friends, scrap booking memories of my beautiful & crazy kids, thinking of ways to serve others, planning FHE lessons, etc. etc. The truth is I lay awake many nights thinking of what I should be doing...when it is too late in the day to do it.
I have a friend who teaches Seminary. She is up around 4 a.m. each morning. She comes home and sleeps until around 1 p.m. (her children are all grown) then she gets up and goes about her usual schedule, staying up until 1-2 in the morning...and that is when she gets everything done. Because the house is quiet, everyone is asleep and she has time to herself. She says she can think better at this time, better than any other time of the day. I feel that way sometimes. Like everything comes into clear focus and I know what I should be doing, how I should do it and it all seems so easy to me...then I realize the time and I think....tomorrow. Then, alas, tomorrow is here and I am no further than I was the day before...failure.
The truth is, that the person I want and should be is made manifest to me in the late or early hours of the night or morning. When I should be sleeping because I need to be up the next day for work, or church or to get kiddos ready for school.
I have legitimate excuses...really I do... now, for example, I took some pain medication for a migraine headache I have been fighting for a couple of days...it contains caffeine. So by the time the pain becomes bearable I am wide awake. And I can't stop thinking!
But really it is a good thing I am awake...Timmy woke up with a knee ache, so a hot pad and a little leg rubbing was taking place without being half asleep...win win. :)
OK back to who I am, or want to be...I want to be the person that people want to be around. Not because I am popular, or funny, or give great advice...but because I make people feel good about themselves, that I help them to realize how wonderful they are and how much they are loved. I want to help others understand that they too are children of a Heavenly Father that loves THEM...(whoa full circle in the wee hours of the morn...)
Really...I just want everyone to be happy. I don't like contention, or stress, or frustration, or sadness. I just want to have joy and happiness, butterfly's and rainbows, fluffy kitties and warm blankets..I really do want world peace!(imagine me fanning my hands in front of my eyes). I am a pleaser, and I want to please others so they can be happy.
A lot to take in at ...um....1:27 a.m., but it makes me feel a little bit better that I got it all out and I feel like I accomplished something today....even if that something was just meaningless rambling.
For those who will read all of this blurb...thank you for your love and friendship. I hope to be a better friend, sister, daughter, sister in law, daughter in law, aunt, cousin, mom and wife to you. oxoxox
In other news.....I loved the response written by Paul Shawcross (chief of the Office of Management and Budget's Science and Space Branch) to the Death Star petition. Maybe I am just a Star Wars nerd, but it was rather comical
As I read this, I thought to myself that I could pretty much just cut and paste almost all of it as a blog post for myself (except the fluffy kitten part-- I don't do cats). I so understand what you mean! I do the exact same thing. I survive the day, and then when I'm supposed to go to sleep, everything comes rushing to me of how I could have done it better or things I could do to be better. I keep telling myself, "I'll try again tomorrow," (you know, like the Thomas S. Monson quote about courage being the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow). But when you tell yourself that at the end of EVERY day, I'm not sure it still adds up to courage.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew how to encourage you on this one, but I'm struggling with it myself. I guess you can at least know you're not alone. And you lift me up. You always have. I loved having you by my side to get through some of those classes in college, and I love reading your blog when I get the chance.
funny how we struggle to know who we are when our children are young, and we think if we don't figure it out soon that the world will end before we get to that part of our life! I always think I'm going to be too old to accomplish all I want to do if I don't figure it out and fast!
ReplyDeleteYou are everything to me.
ReplyDelete